Well, it's finally Friday. This week went on forever.
Yesterday, we had mass at school in honor of the science teacher, and we got these little colorful striped ribbons (they're the shape of those breast cancer ribbons). It was very sad, and the teachers were all either wiped out or in terrible moods afterwards. The day went by slowly and I had biology right after lunch. The biology room still had the flowers from the lab we had done on Friday, they were sitting on the table wilting. The sign with her name on it was still taped to the door.
We have to finish the work we were supposed to do this week by Monday. It's really distressing, I want to cry every time I touch anything related to biology now. I still have a lot of work to finish. Later yesterday, four of my friends came over to spend the night so we could go to the funeral together this morning. For the most part, we chatted about trivial things, but we couldn't go more than an hour without talking about the incident. This morning, we went to the funeral together. In the beginning it was fine, but towards the end when her family spoke about her, I couldn't force the tears back. I kept sniffing a lot during the service since I was crying and, to top that off, I have a bad cold. After we left the church, I was crying the most of my friends. I don't usually cry, so I think it scared them a bit.
After the service, we went to our old middle school in which my sister still attends. We had today off to go to the funeral, so it was about 2:30 by the time we arrived at our old school. In the car on the way there, my hands were sweating and I felt sick. For once I was nervous to visit my old school, afraid they would ask about what had happened or, to act less nosy, indirectly ask by inquiring about the little ribbons on our blazers. Sure enough, they did.
When we first got there, we greeted our former principal, who congratulated us on all being on high honors. He asked about the ribbons and I said politely "could we maybe not... talk about that?" He asked about it again a few minutes later anyway. Now, Former Principal, I know you mean well, but what exactly do you not understand about "could we not talk about that?"? One of my friends answered "it's for our science teacher" and since my old school tends to gossip quite a lot among the faculty and staff, he understood and proceeded to apologize for the loss. Two other teachers asked about the ribbons. I suggested we start telling people they were merely for decoration, but one of my friends just couldn't keep her mouth shut about the topic. It's fine, I know some people get over things by talking about them like that, but personally there is nothing I despise more right now than talking about that incident with people who don't go to my school.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
This is why I don't believe in Determinism
Today was quite possibly one of the worst days I've ever had. A horrible conclusion to something already so awful.
On Saturday, I had a dream that I was at school in the cafeteria. They announced over the intercom or whatever it is that we all had to go outside. When we were outside, there was a bus, and they said the 9th grade honors biology teacher (one of my teachers) had to leave. We didn't see her, but the bus left soon after we were given the news and everyone burst into tears.
On Monday, it was announced that the biology teacher had died. I was sick that day, but I heard from my mom. They didn't know yet the cause of death. Everyone at school was hysterical according to my friends, who were also very upset. I had a really bad feeling about it all.
Today, my sister (Nat) shadowed. That's when you go to a school you're considering and follow someone for half a day. Today... was not a good day for that. In the morning, we waited thirty minutes longer than usual for class to start because of a meeting the teachers were having. We were told then to go to homeroom. When we sat down and my homeroom teacher entered, he told us that the cause of death was suicide. I think we were all too shocked to do anything, so we just sat there until we had to go to second period.
In second period, honors geometry, we all just sat there for fourty-five minutes. The first fifteen minutes we were all crying, then we just sat there not knowing what to think. Nat sat at the desk behind me doing nothing, I felt terrible for her but I didn't really want to do anything so I just gave her my backpack and told her she could use my laptop.
The next two periods, we did the same thing. We sat there, just thinking about everything in silence, for another two sets of forty five minutes. Lunch time finally came and our friend Matt came over from the boys' school across the street. He kept talking about his biology test. We all wanted him to leave.
And now I'm at home and it's almost time for bed. My pen name on here is coincidentally her first name... I'm going to change it, so don't be too confused. I don't know what to think, still. This is upsetting and it screws up my perception like nothing else. The one group of people I've always trusted more than any other is teachers. They've always been like gods to me--strong, responsible, and untouchable. Now I don't know what I think about anything. And I keep thinking about my dream and feeling really guilty. It feels like I could have done something, if I had only known to take it seriously I could have told someone and maybe this wouldn't have happened. But I'm confused too, and I can't push down the feeling of abandonment that keeps bubbling to the surface whenever I step inside the science building. The last time I saw her was on Friday in the library near the afternoon when she was grading papers. I had taken a makeup test before then, during lunch. She had told me as I was leaving the room after taking the test that I could see her if I needed any help with catching up with science. I wonder if she knew, then, that she wouldn't even be here the next Monday? She was such a nice woman, she was always smiling and so enthusiastic about biology. She was so young too, none of us ever thought something like this would happen. But it did and I know every time I walk into that building again... I'll remember.
On Saturday, I had a dream that I was at school in the cafeteria. They announced over the intercom or whatever it is that we all had to go outside. When we were outside, there was a bus, and they said the 9th grade honors biology teacher (one of my teachers) had to leave. We didn't see her, but the bus left soon after we were given the news and everyone burst into tears.
On Monday, it was announced that the biology teacher had died. I was sick that day, but I heard from my mom. They didn't know yet the cause of death. Everyone at school was hysterical according to my friends, who were also very upset. I had a really bad feeling about it all.
Today, my sister (Nat) shadowed. That's when you go to a school you're considering and follow someone for half a day. Today... was not a good day for that. In the morning, we waited thirty minutes longer than usual for class to start because of a meeting the teachers were having. We were told then to go to homeroom. When we sat down and my homeroom teacher entered, he told us that the cause of death was suicide. I think we were all too shocked to do anything, so we just sat there until we had to go to second period.
In second period, honors geometry, we all just sat there for fourty-five minutes. The first fifteen minutes we were all crying, then we just sat there not knowing what to think. Nat sat at the desk behind me doing nothing, I felt terrible for her but I didn't really want to do anything so I just gave her my backpack and told her she could use my laptop.
The next two periods, we did the same thing. We sat there, just thinking about everything in silence, for another two sets of forty five minutes. Lunch time finally came and our friend Matt came over from the boys' school across the street. He kept talking about his biology test. We all wanted him to leave.
And now I'm at home and it's almost time for bed. My pen name on here is coincidentally her first name... I'm going to change it, so don't be too confused. I don't know what to think, still. This is upsetting and it screws up my perception like nothing else. The one group of people I've always trusted more than any other is teachers. They've always been like gods to me--strong, responsible, and untouchable. Now I don't know what I think about anything. And I keep thinking about my dream and feeling really guilty. It feels like I could have done something, if I had only known to take it seriously I could have told someone and maybe this wouldn't have happened. But I'm confused too, and I can't push down the feeling of abandonment that keeps bubbling to the surface whenever I step inside the science building. The last time I saw her was on Friday in the library near the afternoon when she was grading papers. I had taken a makeup test before then, during lunch. She had told me as I was leaving the room after taking the test that I could see her if I needed any help with catching up with science. I wonder if she knew, then, that she wouldn't even be here the next Monday? She was such a nice woman, she was always smiling and so enthusiastic about biology. She was so young too, none of us ever thought something like this would happen. But it did and I know every time I walk into that building again... I'll remember.
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