This is why I don't believe in Determinism

Today was quite possibly one of the worst days I've ever had. A horrible conclusion to something already so awful.

On Saturday, I had a dream that I was at school in the cafeteria. They announced over the intercom or whatever it is that we all had to go outside. When we were outside, there was a bus, and they said the 9th grade honors biology teacher (one of my teachers) had to leave. We didn't see her, but the bus left soon after we were given the news and everyone burst into tears.

On Monday, it was announced that the biology teacher had died. I was sick that day, but I heard from my mom. They didn't know yet the cause of death. Everyone at school was hysterical according to my friends, who were also very upset. I had a really bad feeling about it all.

Today, my sister (Nat) shadowed. That's when you go to a school you're considering and follow someone for half a day. Today... was not a good day for that. In the morning, we waited thirty minutes longer than usual for class to start because of a meeting the teachers were having. We were told then to go to homeroom. When we sat down and my homeroom teacher entered, he told us that the cause of death was suicide. I think we were all too shocked to do anything, so we just sat there until we had to go to second period.

In second period, honors geometry, we all just sat there for fourty-five minutes. The first fifteen minutes we were all crying, then we just sat there not knowing what to think. Nat sat at the desk behind me doing nothing, I felt terrible for her but I didn't really want to do anything so I just gave her my backpack and told her she could use my laptop.

The next two periods, we did the same thing. We sat there, just thinking about everything in silence, for another two sets of forty five minutes. Lunch time finally came and our friend Matt came over from the boys' school across the street. He kept talking about his biology test. We all wanted him to leave.

And now I'm at home and it's almost time for bed. My pen name on here is coincidentally her first name... I'm going to change it, so don't be too confused. I don't know what to think, still. This is upsetting and it screws up my perception like nothing else. The one group of people I've always trusted more than any other is teachers. They've always been like gods to me--strong, responsible, and untouchable. Now I don't know what I think about anything. And I keep thinking about my dream and feeling really guilty. It feels like I could have done something, if I had only known to take it seriously I could have told someone and maybe this wouldn't have happened. But I'm confused too, and I can't push down the feeling of abandonment that keeps bubbling to the surface whenever I step inside the science building. The last time I saw her was on Friday in the library near the afternoon when she was grading papers. I had taken a makeup test before then, during lunch. She had told me as I was leaving the room after taking the test that I could see her if I needed any help with catching up with science. I wonder if she knew, then, that she wouldn't even be here the next Monday? She was such a nice woman, she was always smiling and so enthusiastic about biology. She was so young too, none of us ever thought something like this would happen. But it did and I know every time I walk into that building again... I'll remember.